Give Me a Reason

You speak, words stick
To your lips like
Those hard-shelled flies
I pry off my windowsill.
Eyes are reeling;
Thoughts compress into concepts and
Images...
Words escape me,
Steaming away like
A freight train.
Blue. Green.
Flash, scattered light.
Colors I see draw me in...
Sounds liquify like
Muddied auras,
Throwing me down,
Landing in this sensory jungle
Aptly unnamed.
Sounds are unnecessary;
Actions determine my flight.
Give me a reason
To listen...
[Was it ever worth it?]
...Or
Shut it.
A fly buzzes in the empty August air.
I flatten it, mid-flight.
Shh.

Fallout

the ashen breeze floats about me. a cloak; a vestment of the colloidal horizon smearing our frost-shrouded sun
i gaze upon a tapestry of crisscrossing telephone wires and warped steel, outlined in sepia and rusting grays
days here can be lively, yet broken – beautiful, yet tiring.
'i needed to come here,' a voice within me whispered, 'to scale the tallest beam in sight and visualize what i could create... what we could create together'
grays, browns and the ember-riddled evening sky. free of vibrancy, free to smoulder, arcing
above me as my eyes reflect its torched shimmer
'here, you will not find a tree or bird; you will not find a knoll, field or a cobalt-blue ocean
like the ethereal release of burial, i see the color white. so bright with truth.'
all the misalignment, all the cares.
they vanish into the fallout.

Diet Mountain Dew and a laptop equals... writing like this.

so. it feels like the end of days. or the beginning. it feels like something that cant be grasped but only felt, like air or water that just slips through and leaves empty hands. something has stirred inside and i dont know what it is or where it came from but its here and it hurts. a realization of some sort or shape or form or tragedy or miracle. fragile nerves, they are clamping inside me, clawing or maybe simply there. i wouldnt have felt it before.
panic ensues. drop down on your face and scream for mercy. i did. my mind was never there before but here it is and it frightens me. me. me. the concept is alien.
"your mortality," they had said in the past, "is a hinderance." well maybe they had never said it but it was implied, it was implied all along with the messages and the media i suppose if you can call it the media. i felt it in my spine. it felt nice in the past.
other messages came, more concrete and somehow louder. "no longer will you lie broken, oh we will hold your head up high." that also felt nice in the past. it felt nice until the day when their rotten false promises reared up and actualized and leveled the world and its children.
pain like never before, acid conditioning and madness. stop this insanity i said but no one was there to hear in the past because... there was no one there to hear. no one car hear air or water if it does not really exist in a space time sense. such a foolish game.
i wondered so many nights if i was already gone and only existed to provide a counterexample to reality. for the young ones who had no sense of mortality you know.
so. as whatever they gave me to run my mind like a factory set in i was in no shape to run but they made me. i was in no shape to open my eyes but i had to. i was in no shape to be alive really but the human body really is amazing sometimes and i am alive to see the revelation. it came on the orange clouds with arrows and lightening and lit up the valleys, poured in from sunstruck things of beauty, letting the day break loose from its dark and hallowed cell. i saw it and wondered at my sanity but who really would know. at least in my mind the sun shines and i can sing in its warmth and embrace its color and
revelations.
back to in the past. mind fixed on one ideal yet not my own i had stumbled onward obeying typed programs and comas that fractured me. simply existing, being and not knowing and having no revelation to steer you onward. glassy eyed and mangled but still there you know.
so. my revelation. through the blackened and subconscious worm of my brain something snapped. i dont know why and from whence it came but it was there and it hurt. but it was beautiful and felt right for the first time. when it happened i realized that nothing had ever felt right and that some soot-choked nimbus had always been there, feeding. it dissipated and it hurt terribly but it was a beautiful hurt because it was a revelation.
a revelation.
after the breaking of whatever had trapped me i saw things no one could hope to. people wait for years to jolt out of a coma so i do not feel alone. the colored buildings in the past really are crumbling and blackened but at least i can see them now

Randomly trying to write like Cormac McCarthy.

He awoke again in the house. It should have thanked him, it could be the only house in the world with life contained inside. Like a fragile flower beginning to dry. Upstairs, he kneeled in the ashen carpet by the window, scanning the violated horizon for signs of life. Nothing stirred save for the smoke oscillating in and out of skyscraper windows and the open mouths of the dead. There is no room for heroes, in these lands. They have perished and with them hope for any manner of future. He arose and stared through bleared eyes at the window which the light peered through. Sepia and awful. Am I running out of sunlight, he wondered. Is there only so much left to burn. The filthy beams streamed in obscenely in the carbon paste of the air the breath of God had not yet passed over and blessed.
The bygone flickering images of life before were surfacing painfully and without faces. He recoiled at their empty gesticulations, soul shrinking horrified at longings denied him forever. The concept of human love for instance was gone in the world, existing in nothing but dreams, and dreams were false prophets. Harking scrolls of lives not lived and sins never redeemed. Scraps of nameless waste blew by, borne on toxic gusts through time which was not being counted anymore by anyone. Seconds become uncatalogued as eyelid flutters and nothing more. And him staring out a desiccated window with caulk and glass melted together in marbled puddles at his feet, incapable of reversing even the slightest earthly tremor which begat this scar on eternity's nearsighted face.
He stepped beyond the wilted doorframe onto frozen soil stripped of grass. Driveway cement met scorched blacktop that stretched into cities carved from soapstone. The rituals of life did not exist anymore and he knew that.
If I am the only one then I carry the names of everything. Their names are not intrinsic and exist only in me now.
His mind seemed to convulse and he shivered and regarded with burning eyes the land with no name but to him. The gritty smog smiled back pitiless and the silent distant buildings sang out of tune with the wind.

Gasoline Dreams

High-rises streak toward a muddied sky

Imploding, amidst the flow of blood and furious rain

Severed blackened angel wings

Borne on a toxic breeze

Waft through streets deserted

Reminders of my legacy

Macabre bygone designs.

Because you are together, and so beautiful like that.

Your faces burn beautiful, like sunspots

Across timeless oceans,
Distorted by lovelorn sighs and darkened corners
Where all of your pictures seem to be taken.

You darlings bat enamored black eyelashes
At your altered faces just like mine.
Those distorted faces just like mine.

In this land of yellow and murderous smiles,

No faces speak that match my own,
Nothing speaks to console strangled pleas

For a land without fear
To those in the dark places,

The safe places
Where all your pictures seem to be taken.

Just go
Live your lives in clusters,
Distant biomasses brimming with stars and poetry,
Where no one marks you for erasure

Because you are together...
And so beautiful like that.

Where are you?

In a dark hole with shutter snaps and rust

Where I cannot see you?

Or,
Like cohesion or magnets,
I suppose
You are spun across oceans,
In the dark-lit corners
Where all your pictures seem to be taken,
And the place I cannot find.

To "The Last Firstborn"

Your moaning was like anesthetic to me

I danced in your harried and sore melodies

Loved once, expected we'd soar to the sky

Didn't suspect we were destined to die

Wasn't my choice, but the powers that be

They know about you and know all about me

I used to smile 'cause no one could see

My pleasures that brighten, those pleasures that feed

(The sighs that escaped when you whispered to me,

Spun tales of a world whose air we could breathe)

Those Powers came in, ripped me open to see

All those dark failings that had consumed me

Black pus spilled out, dribbled down on the floor

Stinking and gushing and making Them roar

Horrified, I tried to reason, explain

But nothing could choke Their raging disdain

I stitched back the cavity bleeding my shame

You and I, to the world, simply a stain

Days passed, blindfolded, I made sure to sing

All the songs written to calm Their scorning

Until it subsided and They had forgotten

My guilty sound-passion discreet, hidden, rotten

Blotted and in Their good graces again

The need arose softly, my ears and their yen

For all of your whispers and stormy outcries

(Propane Nightmares and Gunman and Last Firstborn lies)

And then, when I thought that the yearning had passed

It returned in full force and I succumbed at last

I had finally found the feeling that I need

It was euphoria hearing your pleas

My legacy - being denied what I need

A hunger inside fed by nothing, nothing!

When All Was Revealed, I wept just to see

Your hands were the ones that were destroying me

Your sights were on breaking me, giving me HELL!

I can't hear I can't hear It's too late to tell

Every day now you can dictate my intake and output and intake and output and intake and output and intake and output and intake and output and intake and output

and intake

I can't delete you now.